Feeling Guilty on this Lord's Day
Trinity II, 2009
We woke up late this morning, at nine o'clock. That's normally when we need to be walking out the door to make it to the parish on time. Instead of rousing the kids and rushing to leave, we rolled over and went back to sleep. To Deedee's credit, she tried to get everyone up, but "sleepy Drew" won the battle.
That's pretty bad. But it's actually worse than it seems, because I went to sleep last night expecting this very thing would happen. I'd already accepted it. To at least a small extent, I was looking forward to it.
Sure, I had a nice list of excuses for staying home. Yesterday was a very long day (albeit a very fun one). I have a moderately bad sunburn. My diabetes is hitting me hard this week, most noticeably as severe headaches and shakes. I've slept very poorly this week (last night being the worst yet) and I'm exhausted.
Given time, I'm sure I could think of even more excuses.
But, as you've certainly surmised, that's not the reason I stayed home today. The reason is simple: I was lazy. I was sinfully and willfully disobedient to my Lord and to His Church. And I've felt guilty all day.
Given all the the Lord has done for me, and done for us all, this is ingratitude of the most severe sort. And while I leave all the blame where it squarely rests, with me, I know that there is a very real spiritual war going on, and that we (yes, that includes you) are the field of battle. Today went to the Enemy.
What's the point of all this? Well, it's what comes next. Or rather, it's what won't come next: admonishment. I expect our spiritual leaders, our Holy Clerics, to be active in the spiritual lives of those they shepherd. But none of the clergy I've known during my life would admonish someone for my sin today.
We know Jesus would have (we have some examples, after all). And so would the Holy Apostles and the saints. St. Paul writes about admonishment often (νουθεσίᾳ -- a word which would make for a great language study). I'll grant you that Christian admonishment must always be done in a spirit of love, meekly, and with deference to the Holy Spirit. But it must be done.
This is on my mind today not only because of my sin, but also because I've been praying and thinking about who God would have us call to be rector. We've spoken with two candidates, and I've spent some time with the third. I'm simultaneously dismayed and excited when considering them in this light.
I fear the first candidate is like all the priests I've know previously; I expect he'd shy away from admonishment. On the other hand, I'm certain the second candidate would admonish me (albeit in a loving, kindly, and pastoral manner). I'm really not sure about the third. I guess I'll just ask him when we see him in a few weeks.
Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.
3 comments:
In your soul's defense, the main reason why we both were tired and slept in late this morning is because we stayed up too late. We stayed up too late, because that was the only time we could spend together alone (sans kids). Would God fault you for tending your marriage after the babies went to sleep and that resulted in us sleeping in? I hope not.
Of course (can you see I've thought on this all day long, also feeling guilty), the real solution would be to allow for Drew & Deedee to have couple time on Friday nights. We win. God wins. Satan loses. Woohoo.
So you're assuaging your guilt by blaming the priest? Sounds like TWO sins. Sorry, more guilt.
Anonymous, I'm not sure how you read that I blamed a priest for anything. That's not how I read my post, and certainly was not my intent. I accept sole responsibility for my sin.
The issue of priests not doing their Godly duty of admonishing those for whom they have spiritual responsibility was a separate matter, and one that involved no blame.
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