On Being and Feeling Called
Imagine that a man named Joe Bob is chopping wood. There's a lot of wood, and Joe Bob doesn't think he'll finish before dark. So he calls his buddy Billy Ray over to help. Next imagine that a man named Bobby Jim, new to the scene, walks up with his own ax and starts chopping away. When Joe Bob and Billy Ray look puzzled, Bobby Jim says, "I felt called to help."
It's obvious that Billy Ray was called. And I think it's equally obvious that Bobby Jim wasn't called. If I were Joe Bob, I'd ask Bobby Jim a question. "Who do you feel is calling you? 'Cause it wasn't me."
I write this because lately I've been doubting my calling to Holy Orders. I feel like I'm a Bobby Jim. As far back as I can recall, no one has ever actually asked me to serve the church in this manner. No one has even suggested it. I've just always felt called. But can you really feel called without actually being called?
I've wrestled with this for a long time, but it was something that Father Pomroy said during my meeting with the Standing Committee that really stirred the pot. He basically said that it is the Church calls, and the Church discerns vocation. It's not the individual.
While this was in part a relief (I no longer had to worry so much about discerning my own vocation), it also raised this feeling called problem.
I'm really not sure what to do. It doesn't help that I've been feeling inadequate (I'm not even the kind of husband, parent, and layman I should be). I'm very close to just sending Archbishop Provence a letter to withdraw from my postulancy. But I worry that afterwards I'd still wrestle with feeling called.
Like my wife often says, I can't keep flip-flopping. So I'm going to make a commitment either to go forward with my postulancy or give up once and for all, and I'm going to do so by the upcoming Ember Saturday.
Please pray for me.
2 comments:
"And I think it's equally obvious that Bobby Jim wasn't called."
Not to me, it isn't. It's only obvious that Joe Bob and Billy Ray didn't call Bobby Jim. Maybe Bobby Jim was answering to a higher call -- maybe as a medic he's to be on hand a few minutes later when Billy Ray suddenly has a run-in with a heart attack.
I've been reading a lot lately about the Letters of Mother Teresa, commentary here by Chuck Colson:
http://www.breakpoint.org/listingarticle.asp?ID=6988
Chuck Colson writes: ''Those letters, written by Mother Teresa over more than 60 years, form a new book called Mother Teresa: Come Be My Light. So what do these letters really reveal? Newsflash: One of the great saints of the 20th century had doubts. At times, she even doubted the existence of God. Imagine that!''
Doubts...
You write: "(I'm not even the kind of husband, parent, and layman I should be)." My first reaction was to respond with "baloney!" -- but on reconsideration, you know what, none of us are, at least if our standards remain intact. We all fall short but our wives, children and church love us nonetheless. As we do them even when they sometimes, or even continually, fall short.
There's a word all us engineers (HW, SW, standards or whatever) need to remember: "Forgiveness." Patches up the cracks and makes the whole stronger, maybe even more than before.
Feeling inadequate, not up to the task, doubting... gosh, you're only human. We've all been there. I have my own specialized battles every year and I am dismayed every time that season begins, and even before then when I catch wind of what those who would harm "me" are preparing. And though I have not always had the victory, succor has sometimes come in unforeseen ways.
I return to Chuck Colson: ''She continued to do the toughest job anyone could possibly do. And she did it to her dying day. Why? As she wrote to her spiritual advisor, she submitted to God. “I accept,” she wrote, “not in my feelings—but with my will, the Will of God—I accept His will.” I came to that realization in my own dark night of the soul a couple of years ago when two of my three kids had cancer.''
"I accept." That has become my watchword, the thing that sometimes keeps me on my feet in the most difficult of times so far -- and what has kept me from my own call a long time ago, a call it seems I may never be able to answer.
Drew, you are in my prayers. There's lots more I could say, but it is your decision.
Drew, I second the thoughts of CH above. Thank you, CH. I would simply add that feelings (while not the ultimate test of vocation) can and do play a role. For example, nobody would persue seminary training and a life of sacrifice for the Church if he did not feel that this was an admirable and honorable calling and that he could picture himself in the role, employing his God-given gifts. It is true that "the Church calls", but individuals can and do express an interest and take initial first steps. Also, internal flip-flopping never stops, unfortunately, it is a constant. Testing one's vocation to the priesthood or diaconate (whether that is done at Seminary or by Reading for orders) is fraught with ups-and-downs, joys and discouragments, mountaintops and valleys, feelings of affirmation and feelings of discouragement. After ordination, even after serving a parish(s), this continues. It is called Life, by some. :) However, the sign of a true vocation is, when by the Grace of God only, you are able to persist and keep coming back for more! Staying the course is what makes it a true vocation, and not just feeling 100% all the time - feelings come and they go - although as I said, they play a role. Anyway, you are much appreciated and much in my prayers. Godspeed.
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