On Being and Feeling Called

Imagine that a man named Joe Bob is chopping wood. There's a lot of wood, and Joe Bob doesn't think he'll finish before dark. So he calls his buddy Billy Ray over to help. Next imagine that a man named Bobby Jim, new to the scene, walks up with his own ax and starts chopping away. When Joe Bob and Billy Ray look puzzled, Bobby Jim says, "I felt called to help."

It's obvious that Billy Ray was called. And I think it's equally obvious that Bobby Jim wasn't called. If I were Joe Bob, I'd ask Bobby Jim a question. "Who do you feel is calling you? 'Cause it wasn't me."

I write this because lately I've been doubting my calling to Holy Orders. I feel like I'm a Bobby Jim. As far back as I can recall, no one has ever actually asked me to serve the church in this manner. No one has even suggested it. I've just always felt called. But can you really feel called without actually being called?

I've wrestled with this for a long time, but it was something that Father Pomroy said during my meeting with the Standing Committee that really stirred the pot. He basically said that it is the Church calls, and the Church discerns vocation. It's not the individual.

While this was in part a relief (I no longer had to worry so much about discerning my own vocation), it also raised this feeling called problem.

I'm really not sure what to do. It doesn't help that I've been feeling inadequate (I'm not even the kind of husband, parent, and layman I should be). I'm very close to just sending Archbishop Provence a letter to withdraw from my postulancy. But I worry that afterwards I'd still wrestle with feeling called.

Like my wife often says, I can't keep flip-flopping. So I'm going to make a commitment either to go forward with my postulancy or give up once and for all, and I'm going to do so by the upcoming Ember Saturday.

Please pray for me.

APCK's St. Joseph seminary opened to the ACC and UECNA

While at my Diocese's first annual family camp last weekend, Archbishop Provence and I had a brief but very nice talk about my postulancy and about some of the recent events in the so-called Continuum (I hate that term so used). During that talk, the Archbishop told me that he has formally opened St. Joseph of Arimathea Anglican Theological College, the APCK's seminary, to postulants of the ACC and UECNA.

I think this is great news. When I was first wrestling with my aspiration to Holy Orders several years ago in the ACC, an option such as this might have changed the path I eventually took (eschewing a return to college to finish my baccalaureate degree). Of course, I have no regrets, for I "know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose."

Deo gratia!