I'm no longer working to be a deacon

Several weeks ago, I wrote that I'd been doubting my calling to Holy Orders. I also said that I would make a decision whether or not to continue my postulancy by the Autumn Ember Saturday. A few people have asked me what I decided, so here it is.

It so happened that our parish's spiritual retreat was on that Ember Saturday. This allowed me to spend most of the day in prayer and meditation about my calling. In the past, when I needed the Lord's guidance, I've always found it in prayer. But at the day's end, I still had no idea what I should do.

The next day, I decided the best course of action was to continue my postulancy and let things happen as they would (as my Baptist friend might say, "give it to the Lord"). The problem was, to do that, I'd have to ignore the growing conviction that I wasn't called, that I wasn't ready, and that most of the mission work I wanted to do didn't require ordination. I started to realize that I wasn't being honest with myself, and therefore I wasn't being honest with the Lord either. I'd let my fear of disappointing so many of the people in my life interfere with my judgement and doing what I knew to be right.

That realization finally took hold last week. Last Saturday I composed a letter to the Bishop informing him that I wanted to end my postulancy. But I didn't send the letter. I've been sitting on it for a week (a policy I've tried to adopt after sending a few embarrassing letters in the heat of the moment). But, I'm still convinced I should end my postulancy, so I sent the letter off today. I'm effectively no longer seeking ordination and no longer a postulant for Holy Orders.

This doesn't mean I won't continue to serve the Lord and His Church. I actually have the clearest goals and plan for that I've ever had. More on that tomorrow.

Thanks to all who've kept me in their prayers.